Microsoft announces significant changes to Windows

In a sudden and short press conference early this morning, Microsoft has announced that Windows will be completely restructured at the operating system level. A company spokesperson read a short statement and took no questions.

While we don’t yet have the exact text of the statement, it indicated that the company was losing a great deal of money trying to keep up with the huge number of patches it needs to create and deliver each month. In an uncharacteristically candid move, the statement also said that customer satisfaction was at an all-time low and that sales of Windows 11 are lagging far behind expectations.

The company plans to replace the Windows kernel with the Linux kernel and will revise all it’s current software to run on that kernel. The result, the spokesperson said, would be a much leaner and cleaner operating system, a better experience for end users, and the best attributes of both Windows and Linux.

This announcement leaves virtually all industry analysts surprised and at a loss for an explanation. Microsoft stock futures have swung wildly in the short time since the announcement and Wall Street is expecting a rough ride for all tech stocks at the opening bell.

The last thing that the spokesperson told reporters before they left the stage was the name for the new operating system.

Windex.